Dogs Don’t Like You

A lot of people don’t know that before I came to South Korea to teach English, I worked in an animal hospital.  I worked with mainly dogs and cats.  I studied veterinary medicine at Purdue University in West Lafayette, Indiana.  I have an associate’s and a bachelor’s degree in veterinary technology.  What does that mean?  It means I was an animal nurse.

Now, when I tell people this, they are so shocked that I left that job to come to Korea.  They think working with dogs and cats is the coolest job ever.  They say, “I would love to work with animals, they are so cute.”

And I always say, “Have you ever tried sticking a needle in a dog’s neck or putting your finger down a cat’s throat, or worse, in its ass?”  Once you are doing things to an animal that it can’t possibly understand, they aren’t cute and cuddly anymore.

I lost my passion for the job because I got into vet med because I love animals.  But in vet med, you don’t play with animals because the only animals you get to spend a lot of time with are sick or injured.  And those animals fucking hate you because all they understand is that you are hurting them.

I couldn’t do it anymore because pet owners are ignorant as to how to properly raise an animal.  So, I came to Korea to teach kids and I realized parents are equally ignorant as how to properly raise children.

Man Rape

Life is full of double standards.  Most noteworthy of which is the double standards between men and women.   These double standards sometimes benefit the women and sometimes benefit the men.  One situation in which women get a lot of attention, but men get almost no counseling or consideration for, is rape.

Most people only think of man rape going on in prisons, but it happens in other places.  Not all men that have been raped are criminals that have accidentally dropped the soap.  I know I’ve heard stories about certain bath houses in Seoul.  There is no one to go to if you get molested as an adult man.  So, any men out there that don’t want to be molested, NEVER FALL ASLEEP AROUND STRANGE MEN!!

Girls vs Women

I have to say that as I get older, I’m much less attracted to young, dumb girls.  I’m still physically attracted to them, I would definitely fuck them, but I’m not trying to get involved in a relationship with them.

 

I’m not going to introduce any girl to my mother who says things things to me like, “I’m not like other girls.” or “I’ve never done anything like this before.” When I know you are totally like all other girls, and I know for a fact based on performance, this is not the first time you’ve done any of this.

I’m much more likely to date a woman who says, “Fuck you, you’re not putting anything in my ass.” or “Stop being a bitch and fuck me like a man.”

 

 

Boys vs Girls

I am a kindergarten teacher and I teach 6 year old math and science.  Like any of you who are also teachers or parents or who have a lot of kid experience for some other reason, you’ve had favorites among those groups of children.  My favorites are always the bad little boys who are smart (like me) or the cute little girls who are shy and quiet (quiet is an awesome trait in a child).  But when I have to choose an ultimate favorite between these two it’s always the boy, cause girls are fucked up and scary.

Because although the boy is bad, I can predict his actions.   Like if there is anything within reaching distance of him, I know he’s gonna try to grab it and use it as some sort of weapon.  Little girls will say terrible things to each other.  Here is a conversation between two 6 year old students of mine.

Girl #1 “Look Albert Teacher, I have a new dress”

Me “Wow, your dress is really pretty”

Girl #2 “That dress isn’t pretty, it’s ugly”

How could I predict that I was going to open the door for that comment?  Girls are fucked up.

The “N” Word

The “N” word might seem like a touchy subject to some people, and it should be.  Because I mean the fact that people can say “The “N” Word” and get away with not saying nigger makes no sense.  What is the difference between referencing to a word and actually saying the word.  Like if you had a kid and the kid said “F you dad!!!”.  Would you be less angry than if the kid actually said “Fuck you dad!!!”?  I think saying, “The “N” Word” is a cop out and so does everyone’s favorite comedian, Louis C.K.

Honestly, racism is such a cliche subject, you should just be honest about your racism.  I’m a Mexican American and I’m saying from experience, if you’re my real friend, you can be openly racist.  I have more respect for people who admit that they believe in stereotypes (Rudy Tyburczy).  I live abroad, in South Korea, and I promise you all that stereotypes are our best source of information for other cultures and countries.

I, for one, admit to the world that I’m a racist, but I’m an equal opportunity racist.  I hate everyone and all ethnicities equally because I grew up in a multi-cultural environment (Chicagoland, NWI) and was lucky enough to see at a young age that everyone sucks, stereotypically.

Believe in yourself

Believing in yourself might seem like an easy task.  But so many times in life we wake up with a renewed positive perspective just for it to be taken away by some obstacle or bad experience. Or usually it’s because you dwell on some past failures.

At times it seems like having a good attitude is the hardest thing in the world.  How many times must a man try and fail before he stops trying.  I for one believe that we all have our time, we all have our moment.  So if you try and fail, that just means you have to hustle harder the next time around.

As cliche as it might sound, you can do anything you want in this life.  Like the man Snoop Dogg said “Aint nuttin to it, but to do it.”  I truly believe this, because although life can bring you down, you can always pick your ass up and brush that dirt off your shoulders.

Believe in yourself, how hard is that?

How to make women happy.

You know what they say, “Happy wife, happy life”.  So, pretty much, in order to keep a woman happy in a relationship, you gotta put all the focus on her.  Make her feel like the most important person in the world.  And that shit still might not work!!

Is being white better?

I was performing stand-up the other night when someone told me that I’m “between white and black”.  Being Mexican, I totally disagreed.  Because, if it comes down to it, I’m not between black and white.   I’m not close to either of them.  It’s apples to oranges.

Actually, I feel like brown is the preferred color.  White people tan, and black people make fun of each other for being too dark.  I think I’m on the good end of the color spectrum,whichever end that is to you.

But is being white better?  I don’t know, I guess so.  It definitely has its privileges.

But if the shit goes down and there’s ever a race war.  I’m glad to be brown so I can choose a side.  Of course I’m gonna choose whichever side is winning. Yeah, that’s my opportunist Mexican side talking.

Prediction:  Mexicans win based on sheer numbers and the ability to procreate when supplies are low.